Uncertainty

Guest Blog Post by
Rev. Wendy Downing
Steelville Presbyterian Church

With so much uncertainty in our lives and in our ministries right now, I was reminded of another time of uncertainty in my life that paralyzed me for a season. More than 25 years ago I went through a divorce.  When my husband was going to move out originally, the day came, and he couldn’t do it because he couldn’t leave the kids.  I cried the whole day and wouldn’t come out of my bedroom.  After that, we stayed together another three years because every time we’d talk about him moving out, I would have panic attacks about my “unknown future.”  Even though I hated living with him and all his anger, facing the “unknown” (especially when it came to what would happen with the kids), was too frightening for me and I would have these panic attacks where I could barely breathe.  I cried almost every day for those three years because I was so miserable, yet too scared of the unknown to step out and take hold of a future that was different.

The final time I asked him to move out, I tried something different. When the panic attacks came, (and they always did), I prayed for as long as it took until I felt calmer and at peace (sometimes this was hours). To me, this was like the story of Jacob wrestling with God all night, until God gave him a blessing.  (Genesis 32:17-30) After three days of what I now call “praying through it,” I received the blessing of no more panic attacks, and the peace of mind to know that whatever my “unknown future” held, I wouldn’t be going through it alone because I’d be taking God along with me.  It made all the difference in the world.

That lesson was hard-fought, and I have never forgotten it.  I’m not worried about the changes that the church will experience, because it’s still Christ’s Church!  I’m not anxious about what ministry will look like in the future because God will equip us.  I’m not afraid of my unknown future, even if it means death, because I’m not alone.  Know that whatever you face from here on out, you are not alone either.  Wrestle with God until you get your own blessing!!  We are all loved more than we will ever comprehend, and God is willing to give us the “peace that passes all understanding,” but the wrestling we often must do first, is with ourselves and with our fears.  Only then can we accept all that God has waiting for us.  I, for one, would hate for anyone to follow my example of crying every day for three years!  What my prayer is for all of us during this time, is that we will put our futures in God’s hands as we wrestle with God, and with our fears, for our blessing.  I pray we will take each day, one at a time, and not get overwhelmed about an unknown future.  I want all of us to enjoy each day to the fullest and get the most out of it that we can.  I am praying for Christ’s Church and hoping we are all willing to wrestle for our blessing.

Rev. Wendy Downing
Steelville Presbyterian Church