“I am Loved, and so are You”: reflections upon the end of leave

On May 3rd, the presbytery approved 12 weeks of medical and family leave for our presbytery leader to have an intentional time of recovery. The following was posted on Ryan Landino’s personal Facebook page on July 17th, as Ryan’s leave was coming to an end. The following is shared to catch everyone up on those reflections!

“Hi friends. First, I love you all. I am ok (even when I’m not)!

Just wanted to widen the circle and thank you for your prayers for me over the last few months. Some of you have reached out to me directly without knowing full context—simply knowing me well enough to notice something was different (what a gift to be seen!). Others I thank you for simply just being here, for laughing at my jokes—especially when my humor has been something of or nowhere close to an acquired taste! I am grateful to be in the world with you.

I can’t count off hand how many wedding services I’ve done as a pastor, but early on I was introduced to a Californian beach ritual of Pouring of the Sands as an alternative to the Unity Candle. This has given me, as one who professionally lends theological shape to significant human experiences, the chance to name how each grain of sand represents all of the complexities of who we are, all the little specks of beauty, uniqueness, and imperfections that makes you you and me me, and how marriage is a new vessel into which we pour all of who we are and promise “we are in this together!” As the officiant unpacking that image during wedding ceremonies, I’ve also used that space as an opportunity to name that “yes, these sands CAN be separated if they have to, but it would take a lot of work, and a lot of pain.” I’ve always wondered if I was injecting something of a downer into an event meant to be happy, but never in a thousand years could I have imagined that the work of the separating of the sands would one day be my own reality.

I also could never have anticipated just how much work and how much pain that would be: that it was a sudden surprise to me that another person was in my marriage without my consent, and that no acceptable long term solutions were agreeable to both sides, made the situation both very complex, and also somehow very simple.

Since sharing my circumstances more widely with [you] in April, several of you have conveyed to me your own experience of painful separation, and how intimately you know what it feels like when that sacred glass vessel shatters and you feel yourself scattered everywhere. And I’m grateful for those who empowered me to ask for help, that it’s ok that the particular circumstances of my divorce called for temporary time away from ministry (and that [you were] willing to offer it!) so I could have the time and space to rebuild myself and pull myself back together again. I remember [sharing] in May that ministers lead from all of who we are, and so what does it mean when a core foundational identity is suddenly gone—we cannot minister responsibly if we do not have a sense of who we are! While not having children to figure into these dynamics is a blessing of sorts, it also means that there is no identity of parent that exists to consolidate a sense of purpose around—no, for me, I let my entire sense of purpose, joy, and home be tied to one relationship. I do confess that the May presentation, and the letter that preceded it, was one of the most difficult things to present in my career, and I am thankful for those who responded with grace to me in those most tender of moments.

But this is also the chance to share how grateful I am for a church that today values wholistic health, and encourages self-care beyond lip service. The PCUSA Book of Order’s new provision of 12 weeks of family and medical leave gave shape and structure to the Presbytery’s blessing for me to have an intentional season of recovery where I could work with my care team and focus entirely on a timeline for goals for my health. I am relieved too that, after confirmation with my medical care team, my short-term disability claim was approved by Lincoln Financial, which will help renumerate the presbytery for the financial cost of supporting my leave (which I understand was a concern when the policy was adopted church-wide!). And so I have been fortunate to be the recipient of both individual compassion and structural support, which is not a feature of so many stories that have been personally shared with me.

As I near the end of my leave this month and prepare for my reintegration into ministry, I am proud to say that it was time constructively used to reach health goals that I could not have done without intentional leave. These past three months have been the opportunity to rebuild, in-place, a new home of safety, stability, and love (keeping the same physical house that was previously constructed to be a home of dreams belonging to two people was a particular challenge). But this has also been the chance for me to rebuild for myself a new self-vessel built entirely out of God’s love and self-compassion, a vessel to hold me together to replace the framework of a broken marriage. It has been a time to reclaim an identity as fully loved child of God that isn’t reliant on others to feel whole or complete. It has meant embracing all of who I am and what is within me, all the little specks of beauty, uniqueness, and imperfections that make up my personal blue and pink grains of sand that make me me. It has meant new friends and deepening relationships grounded in the encouragement of self-love and open affirmation of my goodness and who prioritize with me my wellness. It has been feeling my sense of humor returning, and remembering what it feels like to safely laugh at myself again.

It has also meant watching my pitbull Yuna fully rise to the occasion and deputize herself to become my personal sworn protector from all things squirrels, rabbits, FedEx delivery drivers, strangers, car doors shutting, fireworks, litter, morning sunlight, animated animals on television, helicopters, lawn mowers, houseflies, and the broom. (Love you, you little jerkface 😉 )

Travel, dining out, solemnly visiting all of the places across four states that have had meaningful connections and memories with my former spouse over our 17 years together these last several weeks has also given me the opportunity to release those memories and detach associations. This “feel it to heal it” approach has been a lifegiving exercise that has increased my breath capacity and made me feel free to be myself with others (kicking the dust from sandals in Biblical parlance). The power of confronting the old story with courage has been one of the most empowering ways for me to embrace my new one, where I am the main character of my own story again, and I have already been enjoying the new rays of light of new days.

I’m sharing this as an exercise to begin winding this stage of my intentional healing to a close, so I can be open to new chapters of healing. As much as I seek completion, I know some wounds will become scars I will always carry with me, and everyone’s healing journey looks different. Sharing this also is a way to claim my own power as part of my new story, one of health, liberation, self-compassion, and love.

Thank you for sharing this space with me and receiving all of who I am. If my approach to recovery can be helpful to anyone in need of your own season of rebuilding, reconfiguring, and regrounding in all that needs new life, please know you have a sibling in me.”

In this together,

Rev. Ryan J. Landino
Presbytery Leader, Presbytery of Giddings-Lovejoy

Ryan is back in the office this week, catching up on the events and happenings in the life of the presbytery community. For the time being, there will be consistent staff presence in the office on Tuesdays and Thursdays, other days by appointment. Ryan is best reached by direct phone: 314-409-9002 (texting also), and email: rlandino@glpby.org.